I: Good Morning Max! It’s been a while since our last visit. Welcome back! How are you?
Max: Well, other than the fact that I should be the one welcoming you, very well. We have a new baby in our group. Always a reason to celebrate.
I: Yes, yes! Denise told us about it. A male or female? She couldn’t tell.
Max: A female. Pretty as can be. We are really pleased. Unfortunately, she will have to leave the group as soon as she is old enough.
I: What?! Old enough for what?
Max: Old enough to get pregnant. Our female children don’t stay with us. It’s not our way. The females who are borne into our group have to leave to find a new group so they can have their own children. I get sad when it happens. You know, we groom them and play with them. We really love them. But rules are rules.
I: How old are they when they leave?
Max: When they are old enough to get pregnant. It is a big no-no in our world to make children with your relatives.
I: Why? Do you know?
Max: It’s just not done. Like eating rocks. We also don’t do that. We know it’s bad for us. Weird to think about making a baby with your daughter or granddaughter. Yikes!
I: We feel the same among the hairless. In fact, we have laws that prohibit it. Although it does happen. We have an old book, called the Old Testament, with a story about an old guy whose daughters get him really drunk and then have sex with him.
Max: Awful! I can’t imagine why. Did they eat rocks, too?
I: I don’t know about that. Some hairless do, though. But they are sick. But let’s move on, shall we? Tell me more about female children. How old are they when they leave the group?
Max: They stay with us until they are around five years old. For the first 3 years or so, they learn from their mom. Once they stop nursing, their mom can get pregnant again. It’s a lot of work raising children. They need to learn how to tree swing, how to jump, what to eat, what is dangerous, how to behave. That sort of stuff.
I: Ah, I see! So spider monkey females give birth every 3 years.
Max: Yes! Isn’t that what I just said?
I: Don’t get excited, Max! I just want to make sure. Remember, other hairless will read this – I think. Ok, so your females have babies usually every 3 years.
Max: Yes, my hairless friend.
I: And when females are around 5 years old, they leave the group.
Max: Correct. Around that time.
I: To find her own group.
Max: What a brilliant memory you have!.
I: To have her own children?
Max: That’s the plan. But she can’t just show up and wave her little behinds at some good-looking fellow. No way, Jose! As a newcomer, and a young one at that, she has to show that she will be a good group member. New females are not received with open arms – I can tell you that. The other females give them a hard time. Sometimes, they even get into fights with them!
I: Wow! I had no idea.
Max: Well, that’s why I am here to tell you.
I: True. So how do the newly arrived females get accepted?
Max: It can take a while. They have to prove themselves. They are not really fully grown up until they are about 7 or 8 years old anyway.
I: So what do they do?
Max: different stuff. They offer to groom, for example. Often, they get chased away, though. But as soon as they produce a baby, then everything changes. Everyone is super nice. The other females come and hug the new mother. We room her; play with the baby so mom can have a rest. We love our children, and we all work together to raise them. We cuddle them, we play with them, groom them. Just being with them and taking care of them Is pure joy. Isn’t it wonderful? They are so adorable!
I: We love our babies too. But raising children is stressful and expensive for us.
Max: What is ‘expensive’? I’ve heard the hairless apes say it a lot, but I don’t know what it means.
I: They cost a lot.
Max: I don’t get it.
I: Let me think… Oh, yes, they eat a lot. All the time.
Max: They need to. They are growing. Is that a problem for you?
I: Among the hairless it is customary to provide our kids with a constant supply of food for maybe 20 years, or even longer.
Max: WOW! You got to be kidding!! How do they learn to forage on their own? That’s the first thing we teach our young ones. And how to avoid being eaten, of course. The two elementary things in life: how to find food and how to avoid being food. Everything else is a swing!
I: For us it’s more complicated.
Max: then simplify it! Look, our females have babies usually every 3 years. When a new one is born, it’s a big deal! And a lot of work. The older ones have to know by then how to forage and stay alive without mom. Mom is busy. For 20 years you feed your kids! I can’t believe it.
I: Sometimes it is even longer.
Max: Wow! I think we have a better arrangement.
I: Well, it takes a village to raise a child.
Max: Village? What’s that?
I: A group of hairless who live together.
Max: Like here?
I: Kind of. We also call it a ‘community’. We help and protect each other.
Max: I see, so the hairless are learning from us. About time!.
I: Ok, I have a more personal question, if I may.
Max: Sure, go ahead!
I: Since a newly arrived female is not really welcome, how does she get pregnant?
Max: A male has sex with her. How else? I assume you know how that works?
I: Yes, yes, I know. But how does a male monkey know that the female is ready to have sex?
Our readers will want to know!
Max: Oh, I see. Ok, it’s like this. Our females can become pregnant during a certain time every month. It’s very regular. As males, we know when it’s that time.
I: How?
Max: Well, ok, if you must know. It’s kind of personal. Anyway, we follow them around and sniff where they sat down. We can tell from the smell of their female parts. But since we can’t just sneak up behind them and stick our noses up their lady bits. It’s tempting … but they wouldn’t appreciate it. Not at all. They’d get seriously mad at us. Like bite or scratch, or both.
So we check them out this way. It’s safer.
I: I know what you mean. We don’t do that either. So, I guess the males wait for females to give them a nod and a wink- so to speak – that they are ready and willing to have sex.
Max: There is a lot more to it. We hang around and do all sorts of things to get them to notice us. It’s a competition. You know, we show how tall and how good-looking we are, how strong we are, how far we can jump, that kind of stuff. Shake branches, make a lot of noise, smack our lips. That sort of thing. Male stuff. And sometimes, we even pretend to attack them.
I: Do they run away?
Max: Well… it’s more of a chasing game. Catch me if you can! It gets the blood going.
I: Sounds really familiar, actually. Hairless men behave much the same. Courtship rituals.
Max: Call it whatever you like. Anyway, when they are ready, they let us know, and together we find a private spot, away from everyone else, and we have sex. Not like some hairless, you know. Out in the open next to your water hole! Right in front of our eyes! Like no one is watching! Seriously!!
I: To each their own.
Max: I guess so.
I: So here’s a question. I was talking with a neighbor, Rob – you’ll recognize him, he is very big …
Max: really huge? With great hair on his face?
I: yes! That’s the one! He really likes it when you pass by their house, eh, nest.
Max: So his name is Rob? Our females are quite taken by him. Finally, a hairless with hair! And BIG! You can’t blame the females. It looks sooooo much better! Look at me! I am a super handsome monkey. Right? RIGHT?? … Well??
I: Of course, Max. Yes, If you insist.
Max: Thank you very much! Do you have eye problems? The point is…hair makes you gorgeous. There is a female in your group with fabulous long white hair. Stunning! Our females are wild about it. They even try to groom their hair that way. You know, long and flowing-like. But … well … an exercise in futility. But don’t mention to them I said so. I’d be in a heap of trouble. Anyway, what about this Rob?
I: Rob has a question for you. He asked me to ask you how your females give birth?
Max: Vaginally, like every other primate. We don’t lay eggs.
I: Yes, yes, of course. Sorry, Rob wants to know WHERE you give birth. On the ground or on a tree?
Max: Okay, okay, I get it. Tell Rob that our females give birth on trees.
I: Wow! Cool. Is that dangerous?
Max: If you fall, sure. But our females are experts. None has ever dropped a newborn. Babies are very important to us. We just adore the little ones. Our babies and young ones really have a blast here. It’s safe for them, they can swing around the trees and play with your dogs. And they know that you like them a lot.
I: yes, yes! We do love the little ones. Very much! We like to think that they also like us.
Max: Possibly. You will have to ask them.
I: Speaking of females, what is the word – or the sound – for ‘female’ in your language?
Max: (undecipherable screech)
I: Say what?
Max: (undecipherable screech) I just made the sound! That’s it! It’s expressive. (screeches again). When we see a female and want to get her attention, that’s what we do (undecipherable screech).
I: Enough, Max, enough!! It sounds like the spider monkey version of a dog whistle. Loud and obnoxious.
Max: Aren’t you the sensitive type! What’s a dog whistle?
I: Never mind. What do your females call you males?
Max: Go ask them. I don’t make female sounds. It’s rude.
I: Sorry. I had no idea. Another question: who is in charge? Males or females?
Max: What do you mean? In charge. In charge of what? Of giving birth? Obviously, the females. Everything else we do together.
I: So you don’t have specific tasks that only females or males do?
Max: Besides giving birth and looking after their babies, No. Why would we do that? That’s stupid.
I: Well, some of us would agree with you. So the males don’t go off playing while the females look for food?
Max: No way! Ok, the babies ride with their mothers for safety and for their milk. But we males also look after them when we are allowed to. The females decide that.
I: So there no specific task that only males do?
Max: Well, maybe. Sometimes if there is some disagreement with another group over swinging and foraging territory, the males will go and try to settle it, because the females look after the babies. But if they don’t have any young ones, they come along too and mix it up. I tell you, don’t mess with our females! They are something fierce.
I: Like a Viking sword maiden.
Max: Huh?
I: Never mind. Another question: I know that there are 3 different groups that hang out here in Los Arboles. Is there a lot of conflict?
Max: Not really. We stay clear of each other for the most part. We purposely agree on a neutral area to avoid conflict. Before the hairless came, we were the only group here. Then, over the years, the two other groups came. There are a lot of trees being cut down to make room for nests for the hairless everywhere except here. So you can’t blame them.
I: I take it that you feel safe around us?
Max: yes. We feel safe. And, to make you feel better, we also enjoy coming around to your nests and hang out.
I: Why?
Max: You are very entertaining! You must have heard us laugh. And our kids love teasing those dogs, throwing branches at them, insulting them, calling them names! They make such a racket jumping around, running into things, knocking stuff over, and we watch you guys lose your shit during the whole mayhem. It’s a sight, I tell you! Hilarious! The nest of the female with the gorgeous hair is one of our favorite hangouts. The dogs there… f u n n y!
I: I am sure. But you also regularly spend time at the nests of other hairless towards the end of the day just to hang out, not to tease dogs.
Max: Well, what can I say. We enjoy it, and you hairless enjoy it. We show off our babies, chase around in the trees, find a comfy spot for grooming. It a good way to relax before going to sleep.
I: our researchers have reported that you occasionally even sleep very close to a house.
Max Yes, we always do that when we know that there are big cats around. They pass through here from time to time – monkey killers, the lot! They will climb up a tree to get one of us. But they stay away from your nests. So, when we know that they are passing through, we sleep on trees near you.
I: Happy to be of service.
Max: Look, I don’t mean to be rude. But I am expected elsewhere. It’s late in the day, and I need to join up with my group. I’ll let you know when we can get together again.
I: Oh, oh, ok. Sorry to keep you! Thanks for your time, Max. I learned a lot.
Max: As you should.
Author: Thomas Bayer